Mampi

Remember Mampi, the buxom Zambian pop singer scorned by Clivert for her “provocative” dancing and manner of dress? Well, I have had the biggest crush on her for some time, and I even got the chance to meet her not too long ago.

I was staying over in Lusaka for the night and my friends and I had seen that Mampi would be performing at a small local night club in the late evening. By now most of my friends are aware of my Mampi infatuation and they, as good friends, agreed to accompany me to the show. That night, with lights flashing, bass pumping and hips shaking, Mampi put on a breathtaking performance into the wee hours of the morning. Most of her songs are in various Zambian languages that I don’t understand, but I didn’t mind one bit. She and her two scantily clad backup dancers rocked it.

After the show, when things had settled down and people had begun to stir again I caught a lucky break. I spotted Mampi hanging around the entrance, mingling with some friends (I guess Zambian pop stars aren’t as untouchable and removed as American ones). It was late and my group was set to leave, so I knew that I didn’t have long to make my move. I pulled myself together and, with the moves of a jungle cat, made my way over to the pop princess, poised and prepared to seduce. As I was walking past her I got her attention and she actually turned to face me.

And I choked under the pressure.

It was very, very late, the lights were flashing and I was chatting with a Zambian superstar. It was too much for me to handle. We made small talk for about 20 seconds before I politely ejected and met up with my friends who were walking out the door.

I blew it, and I’ve regretted not stepping up to the plate nearly every day since.

But don’t worry, folks, I have a plan. I always have a plan. Apparently there are traditional healers nearby in Siavonga who can craft love potions which come in various forms. Some are drinks. Some are powders that you sprinkle on small cuts you make on your body. I haven’t met any of these traditional healers yet, but I know a number of people who visit them regularly, so I think I can network and hook it up.

This way, the next time I won’t even have to come to Mampi. Mampi will come to me.

I’ll be sure to keep you updated.